A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" "Nope" says the rabbit. So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother. 
A duck walks into a bar. Sounds like it didn't duck.
All the toilets in the NYPD headquarters have been stolen. The police apparently have nothing to go on.
Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. the rabbit says, i think i might be a type o
A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, "I know, I'll solve it with threads!". has Now problems. two he
A termite walked into a pub and asked "Is the bar tender here?"
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
Boiled eggs are hard to beat.
Bought a Humpty Dumpty at ALDI. It's a pretty good one. Comes with ALDI King's Horses and ALDI King's Men.
Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.
BTW, was watching the news earlier, saw something unusual: a guy got injured playing peekaboo. Was pretty bad. They said he's still in the ICU.
"Dad, the invisible man's at the door." "I'm busy, son. Tell him I can't see him."
Dad what are clouds made of? Linux servers, mostly.
Did you hear about the guy that stole the wheels off the police car? they've been working tirelessly to find him!
Did you hear about the man admitted to the ER with six plastic horses shoved in his rectum? Doctors described his condition as 'Stable'.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He would stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's just no atmosphere.
did you hear the tragedy of the painter with synesthesia? He lost his palette and now everything tastes colorless
Did you know that Mortal Kombat is based off a Scandinavian church song? A Finnish Hymn, if you will.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
Don't trust atoms... they make up everything
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
Fiber optics: the healthy alternative to eye candy.
Got a nephew hooked on AirMech, which is a game I played a little and forgot about. Failed to get him hooked on Tetris, which seems like a mega-fail.
Harry Potter flies on a broomstick because he heard that nature abhors a vacuum 
How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? By the bark.
how do embedded system developers get breakfast? through a cereal interface
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier. Similarly, Davy Crockett has a *WILD* front ear.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.
i accidentally bit the inside of my cheek and now it hurts like crazy every time i sit down
I applied for a job selling guns. The manager said he'd give me a shot. But I couldn't hit my targets. So I was fired.
I couldn't remember how to throw my boomerang, but it's coming back to me now.
I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust.
I find the history of ship building riveting.
I heard the CEO of Ikea was elected President of Sweden. He's still assembling his cabinet
i hear herbs are good for regulating your basil body temperature
i know they say chameleons are supposed to blend well, but i think this one ruined my smoothie
I love sniffing my F1 key... don't worry though, I'm trying to get help.
I'm getting along really well with my computer mouse. As soon as I started using it, something clicked.
i'm so good at sleeping i can do it with my eyes closed
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
i started sleeping with a ruler under the pillow, so i know how long I’ve slept
I tell you what often gets overlooked - garden fences.
"I tried to play my shoehorn, but all I got was footnotes"  
It's difficult to say what my wife does. She sells seashells on the seashore.
It's really unfortunate that islam, judaism, and christianity have been fighting each other for centuries. hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army? Squire: 384 my liege K: Ok, round them up S: 400 my liege
Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called "beautiful chocolate" once in a while.
My doc said I suffer from hypochondria. Doesn't suprise me; I've _had_ everything else.
My friend David lost his ID... Now I call him Dav.
My mom saw that somebody put a wee statue of Sgt. Pepper among their peppers. 
My parents once told me I had no sense of direction. My response? I packed up my bags and right.
my wife called me a lazy bum today. i did nothing to deserve that
My wife had to do an at home urine collection test for medical condition. She had to keep a can in the fridge in the garage and asked me a couple times if I could get her "pee can" one time when she asked that I brought her a bag of pecans
My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic. I told her "I think you mean fewer"
my wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list.  now i can't read it
remember when air at the gas station was free. Now it's a $1.50.... Inflation
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.
The blacksmith's dog had puppies and he said I could have one, but when I took it home it made a bolt for the door.
The quietest sport is bowling. You can hear a pin drop.
There's been a warning from the Flat Earth Society about the effects of the pandemic. They think that social distancing could push people over the edge.
the thief who stole my iphone could face time ...
The world champion at tongue twisters has been arrested. He's expecting a tough sentence.
Two dogs meet. One says: Wow. Says the other: Oh, that's what I was about to say.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
two muffins in the oven. one says to the other, "hot in here, eh?" to which the other says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"
Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? still no eye deer
what do you call a deer with no eyes? no eye deer
What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce? Chicken Ceaser Salad
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line!
what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
what do you call a snooty criminal running down the stairs? a condescending con descending
What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.
What if the snowman's a statistician? Then it becomes a (R)ice Krispy Treat again. (Because R is his favourite language)
what is a snow mans favorite treat? an Ice Krispy Treat
What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.
what's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? i've never had a garbanzo bean on my face
What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
What was the computer's favorite snack? Microchips, memory sticks, and cookies. But just a few bytes of each.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
Why aren't jet skis called boatercyles?
Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!
Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 18497 Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
You can tell old USA schools with shiny woodwork use a lot of Pledge of Allegiance.
why did einstein invite time to his wedding? because time is relative!
Why can't toddlers print from the keyboard? Because they can't control-P.